Decisions decisions…

My father is dying of lung cancer. Unfortunately, I work and live too far away to be able to help him through this time more often than on the weekends. I try to be there for him as often as I can though. Mostly I help him with finances and keeping the apartment clean.

I have a lot of resentment for my father, for a few different reasons. He’s not very good at managing his money, and I can’t be there constantly to police what he spends. He has been bad at communicating with his family about how sick he is, and he has left that all up to me. He never quit smoking all through all the cancer treatments, and he tries to hide it from me, but I’m not fucking stupid. My biggest reason for resentment is: he did this to himself. 

My father has been smoking for longer than I’ve been alive. For most of my life I would pester him to quit smoking, When I would visit him as a child I would get SO sick because of all the cigarette smoke in the house. He eventually started not smoking inside when I would visit. When I was a teenager I gave him a pin that said “Cancer Cures Smoking,” boy did he prove me wrong. I know that he is an addict, and he quit most of his other addictions, but this one was killing him. I have never understood why he wouldn’t just quit.

All the above has been making me think about how I treat myself. Thinking about what I can do to maximize what I get out of life. As a teenager, I never thought I would make it to thirty, not because I live hard or anything, but because it always felt like the world was going to end, like we were running out of time. So I had a lot of fun. I made decisions based on what was best for me right now, not what was best for me in the future. This finally leads me to what I’m going to primarily use this blog for: my path to weight-loss.

I weigh just over 200 pounds. As a female at 5’3″ this gives me a BMI of 36.3, which is in the obese level. My first goal in my road to weight-loss is to get down to 169, because it ends in 69 (heh heh) and because that is the weight I need to be to get out of the realm of obesity. This is going to be hard, we’re talking about almost 40 pounds here, but I think I’m motivated enough to do it. I want to live past 55, and I don’t know if I can do it as a fat chick. 

I have already started increasing my activity level, but it is not enough. I need to change my diet, and get serious. Riding my bike is going to be my primary means of exercise. I really need to get a new seat because it is not very comfortable to ride right now, and that has been keeping me from biking more often. Hopefully I can remedy this soon, and get on it more often. 

Well, I’m going to go ride into work today, my crotch can suffer through it. 


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